Chia seeds and ink for my printer was all I was setting out for today. Then, things changed.
I realized I hadn’t gone on a drive with tunes cranked recently. Just because I could. In the past this was cheaper than therapy for me. It brought me the most joy during many challenging times in my life. The escape. I could clear my head, go away, and when I felt ready I’d come back. Some days I fantasized about seeing how far I could get before things felt good and what my new name would be when I started over. But I’d eventually chicken out and come back to the madness of my life, just a bit calmer. The truth is I couldn’t possibly ever go far enough in those days to feel good. True good. Not fake good.
Now, true good, greets me every single day. My head is often clear, and I don’t remember when I last desired an escape like the days of the past. Today’s drive was to remind me of freedom.
Freedom that I have daily now. Freedom that I have chosen to create. It was to also remind me of all the things I’d dreamed of creating during those escape drives, were now, in my life.
I reach a particular point in my journey, a few turns around a beautiful lake near our North Sanctuary/Summer Home/Trailer. I can feel this “thing” in my chest. It’s rising up, and it grips me.
Not just ordinary happiness, but happiness that brings tears to your eyes and gratitude through every cell in your body. True good happiness.
Coldplay’s song O (Fly On) happened to be playing during this moment and it went right through me. Later as I poked around on the internet, my take away is that it’s about completion, death to old stuff, memories, and how everything is always forward moving.
So fly on… ride through.. Maybe one day I’ll fly next to you. My one day, was today, and I was flying on with Faith Healer. She is no longer out of my reach. We are one.
A few days before my birthday I could feel this change happening. Describing it now it felt like a merging of sorts. I didn’t understand it, but something was different in me.
The day after my birthday I woke to the image of this symbol )0( <– imagine that’s the Triple Goddess Symbol (then you can go google if you’re not sure). It represents The maiden, mother and crone. I didn’t know that was the symbol at the time and had to ask a couple friends about it. This isn’t the first time I’d seen it of course but this was the first time it was in my mind so vividly and purposefully.
It took a few more days and some discussion to really know why this symbol came to my awareness and showed up for me.
Today as this happiness took over every part of my existence and created a waterfall of emotion, I realized that The Crone, the wise one, the knower, the teacher of the knowledge that without death there is no birth, arrived in my body in a way that I’ve been starting to allow. In a way that has taken me by surprise.
Faith Healer, is the Triple Goddess all rolled into one. I feel I’ve reached a point of knowing Soul Truths in a way that had previously escaped me or I rejected.
Faith Healer is the wise healer self that shows up in these words, my work with others, my channeling. She is the whole of all that ever was and is Heather, before Heather was even Heather. When I step into my Faith Healer self, rather than the Heather suit, the world is divinely different and beautiful.
It all had to play out this way. Every single minute. If you’re feeling hopeless, or inspired, this is for you to keep going, or to start.
It may appear easy for me to sit here and celebrate my life. To bring words to the page on how I’ve created my life from scratch. From pen to paper, visioning my life into existence. From my career, to my partner, to financial security, to homes, to experiences to vehicles. You know what? It is easy for me to share it, because I know it’s true and I know it’s possible for everyone. But it wasn’t easy to get to this moment.
The anxiety, the depression, the addictions, the fears, the not enough sleep, the arguments, the childhood challenges, the false beliefs, the systems, the paradigms, the drama, the pain, the so called failures, the not-good-enough-ness, the sickness, the diets, the weight, the abuse, the workplaces, the schools, the mistakes, the insanity, the medication, the choices, the suicidal thoughts.
All of the madness has brought me to this moment and shown me the way. It was never a straight line paved with sunshine and glitter. There were twists and turns. Detours, sink holes and every single detail of my life feeling like it was regularly under construction without any warning or caution signs.
I didn’t wake up after some rock bottom moment, or Angel vision or brilliant flash of light during a freak incident I which I found myself in a chat with Jesus or Satan. It’s been more like repeated experiences of “what the F**K” moments. That’s the truth. I was simply, doing life, the way I’d been shown to do it. The way I thought was the way to do it. Until I got sick of it. Until I got sick of the same old story, with the same old Heather driving the train to and through crazy town. People will tell you that they saw glimmers of hope in me. Glimmers of direction, but I also know some saw a deeply troubled young woman even though she tried to hide her realities. Heather always had it together. No matter what. Except for when she didn’t. Which very few witnessed.
I’m not sure last week was my 38th birthday. It feels more like my 1st birthday for brand new beginnings, and my 100th birthday from the wisdom that found the way through me and into some sort of comprehensible way this morning.
In the last few days, parts of my life that needed healing flashed before my eyes. My nights have been filled with frightening dreams, sleeplessness, and discomfort. My days filled with frustration, lack of focus and processing. Certain words by certain people. Judgments, comments, pain points. Their beliefs about why certain things couldn’t or wouldn’t happen. Or shouldn’t happen. My soul truth looked at these things, felt these things and allowed them to fall away. I’ve carried so much of that for so long, and now it was time for me to be free of them.
It doesn’t matter where you’ve been, what you’ve done, who you think is to blame (there is no blame by the way), it can all change. It can all become brilliant, beautiful and better.
Know this, your faith in what you can create, needs to be bigger than your faith in your doubts, troubles and pain.
I’ve done it, I’m doing it. You can too.