What Comes After Great Loss

From the Heather Archives August 21 2016

Current Update: August 21 2018 – The direction that my life headed in after experiencing that loss, is a direction I am grateful for, it brought me to a level of clarity, wellness and direction I had previously not experienced. It has given me gifts, experiences and love. Each day I become even more focused and stronger in my knowing, and “home” has a new beautiful meaning once again.

August 22, 2014, I walked into my first home. Yes, Luna and I had lived in many places before, but none of them were home. We packed the essentials, kitty litter, bed, and food. A duvet, couch cushions (to sleep on), my pillow, and a change of clothes. Trying to move the darling Queen kitty on the day of the move had always been nothing shy of a nightmare with her, so this time I got wise. We would spend the evening in our home, sleeping on the floor, camped out, and excited as all hell to be in a place to call my own. Of course neither of us got much sleep, since I would gasp and hide under the duvet and she would bury her head at the various sounds and the things that go “bump in the night” when it comes to sleeping in new places. One thing was for sure, we had one another, and we were going to enjoy every minute of this part of our adventure.

In her eyes, the condo had wall to wall bed (carpet). She would roll around in the sun, and always retreat to the solarium whenever I left the door open for her. Whenever I was on the balcony she’d sit inside on my step and look out at me, upset because I was out of reach. About a year after we moved in, it became evident that my girl was getting older, not as spunky, and a bit more pained. From raised food bowls, to using an ottoman so she could get up on the bed, I made sure that she was able to do whatever she needed with ease. Unfortunately, Luna was only able to enjoy living here for just over a year, before age and illness took us down another path. It was time for her to be freed of her pain. For me, a whole new level of pain to heal.

As I held her for her last breath, I wasn’t sure how I could continue, she was my rock, and what most people don’t know, is that she had saved my life, but now I had to comprehend ending hers.

I still don’t.

I thought I would be able to celebrate this two year anniversary, as we all know I love any reason to celebrate, but I am torn with deep bittersweet feelings. I’m grateful to have my home, my space, my sanctuary. I worked hard for it. I struggled for it. I busted serious ass and spent a great deal of time healing my life journey to get to where I am.

One thing that remains forever changed, is how different home feels, without her here. Tonight, I pray that she visits me, her energy infuses with mine, and I get to feel what home feels like again. Just one more time.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.