The Company We Keep ~ Chapter 2 – The Family, Round 2

This isn’t about playing victim or laying blame, this is just how it was. I’ve done a lot of healing and reconciling around that, but that was the reality, and actually still is for many people.
For the sake of brevity, I’ll just say that it took me five years to talk to my doctor about how I felt after my first anxiety attack, I was prescribed medication for it, saw a Psychiatrist, was never officially diagnosed with depression, and eventually got suicidal. My mid-teens to my mid to late 20s was a daily roller coaster ride. Yes, mostly from feeling like I didn’t belong, because I didn’t, but I had to grow through those times, in order to get to where I was headed.
Reflecting back, I now understand those moments to be me having no one around who resonated with my soul truth at that phase in my life. I didn’t even resonate with my own soul. It was a constant battle for me. My actions were so low frequency that I was completely out of alignment with my truth. Keep in mind at that point I didn’t even have language to explain this, I just felt, off, which is why I was so depressed and suicidal.
So how did I manage to survive the last 10 years since my decision of wanting to die or find a new path? Well, to start with, it was suggested that maybe I go back to school. So in September of 2009, I took the first step of aligning with my soul path, and studied addictions. Yep, it jumped off the page from the course catalog and as I recall it, was probably one of the first times I ever really deeply “saw” something for more than what it was. This lead me down a road of self discovery, and taught me so many things about life, myself, and others.
It also continued to teach me about my family.
Why do you want to help *those* people? Couldn’t pick something else? You better not psycho-analyze me. So you think you’re better than us because you’re an addictions counsellor? You can’t make that your only focus Heather. It must get boring to only have that one thing in your life. What they didn’t know, and what I probably am only realizing now as I write this, is that one thing, changed the direction of my life forever, and the hell I went through to take those steps, I will be forever grateful. Working full time and having class 3 nights a week, got be back to my soul, it lit me up, I blossomed, and I’m sure it saved my life.
But, on it went. The slippery slope of rejection, disapproval, and me taking one action step after the next, to step into my soul path. This was only the beginning step, and to this day, I continue to hear the odd comment or backhanded remark about my choices, my beliefs and how I choose to live my life today. It is VASTLY different than anyone I knew in my family as I was growing up, and it has taken me a while to accept that that’s okay.
But damn, it was hard. To be that different one.
So how did I do it? How did I deal with those beliefs about family that were drilled into me? It took some time but over the years, this is how it unfolded. I started to fight back when people expected that I should/shouldn’t do something. I get a good mean face and angry tone when I do that too. I get a little.. unicorn-stabby. I get cutting, and nasty. Eventually I realized that although that became my protective mechanism, it didn’t make me feel so great. It worked while it worked, but then I decided to try a different way. I tried to explain things differently when asked; where I’d been for X number of years. I started to make excuses like, I’ve been busy, things just get so crazy, one minute it’s Christmas, and the next minute it’s Summer. I had a master list of go-to reasons whenever anyone would ask what had happened on such and such weekend and why I couldn’t attend.
Although it may have been lying, I knew I couldn’t fight anymore, but I also knew that I really had to find a way to preserve myself in those moments whenever they happened.
The lying didn’t feel good either though. Even though they again were a tool to protect myself, I eventually just got silent with certain people if they asked anything I didn’t feel like answering. I learned that “no” was a complete sentence.
My world, my reality, my truth was all coming together even though it felt like it was falling apart. I realized how soul sucking it was to be around certain people.
Did it suck? Yes. Was it fun? No. Did it slowly become the new normal? Yes. Am I happy, healthier, and more soul aligned because I tell people I’m an orphan who was found under a rock? (kidding..) but yes. I am.
Eventually, after another decade+, I sit here writing this, remembering how awful it felt to lay on my couch, in the basement I lived in, and wonder what was happening at a wedding, or a function of some kind. Which I now realize was my addiction to my fear of missing out. I think the cool kids call that FOMO these days.
I knew though, how sensitive I was to the company I kept. So, I chose me, just as I continue to choose me.
Let’s say you have that “Strange Aunt”, who never married, moved to a cabin in the woods, and no one has heard much from in 7 years. That strange aunt is probably the one who has it figured out. She’s not out there finding herself, she’s getting the heck away from all the misaligned company! I’m only sort of joking, think about it.
When you clear your life of people who don’t resonate, you make room for people that do. I know that this may go against the grain of the “family is everything” believers, and that’s okay, because if that works for you, I’m honestly grateful that we get to experience different realities when it comes to our families.
I hold no resentment, no anger, and no unfinished business, that I know of at this point in my life and healing, towards my family. It took me time to get there, but I did. Do I get sad sometimes that things aren’t different? Or better for certain people in my family? Yes of course, but that’s because I’m an empath, a believer and an Intuitive who knows just how divine life can be, if you embrace it.
The family is a challenging one at best, but believe me, you really can choose differently for yourself.
Heather 💜🦄
Next Up? The Company We Keep ~ Chapter 3 – Friends. Which may be more than 1 round, I haven’t started it yet. That would be un-living-in-the-moment-of-me. So for now, I’ll just say, it’s coming, and I’m looking forward to seeing it when it arrives.

The Company We Keep ~ Chapter 2 – The Family, Round 1

Every cell in my body feels like a fireworks display as I think about unraveling this topic even further, and that’s how I know my Healer soul is saying this is a must.

The response publicly and privately to my write up the other day titled, The Company We Keep, absolutely blew me away. I’m grateful, honoured and humbled by those who said they wanted more, and wanted to share it out further.

Due to those conversations, reactions and questions, it reminded me of how it felt to deal with aspects of those struggles, changes, and people. So, I’ve decided to do something I’ve never done before. I’m answering the call to keep writing on this topic. I’m fully open to hear from you if there is a specific area you’d like me to cover. For today, we start with the family.

Welcome to day 2.

THEY are your blood Heather! You can’t just STOP talking to your family. You are SUPPOSED to help them. You are supposed to show up to functions. You know they are the ones who will be there for you if anything ever happens. So you better smarten up.

Here we go, another moment in time of Heather being told to ignore her soul.

It is nothing shy of awful to have these beliefs shot at you from every angle. Whether it be from parents or friends, or strangers with opinions, I’m sure you’ve heard them.

One of these days your parents won’t be here anymore and you’ll regret the lack of time you’ve spent with them.

You have one surviving Grandmother that you haven’t seen in nearly 3 years, all because she said something that “hurt your feelings”?. She probably didn’t even know what she said, or the impact so just let it go. So it’s okay to be unaware and misuse our words, got it!

Or when someone starts comparing, and says, I lost my mother when I was 10 years old, I’d do anything to have her back. You should be happy yours is alive! Really? Do you know what my mother was like to me when I was 10 years old?

Wistful sigh. I hope you’re relaxing somewhere comfortable as you read this. As a Healer, I can feel myself picking up on the energy of those old days, the drama, the conflict, thankfully I’m sipping some hot lemon honey water to detox as it comes up. One of the things I’ve learned is, it’s okay to feel crappy and have feelings, and express them. Learned that, sans family as well.

You see, I craved connection. I craved deep conversations about life and Spirituality. I loved my self-help books, and learning new ways to think and be. I loved writing (as you can tell, still do). I started getting excited about things that no one in my family appeared to be connected with. So not only did spending time with them no longer feel right, my new ideas, ways and interests were discovered outside of them.

You can’t discover new things, if you don’t take a step in a different direction than the one you’ve been headed in.

I realized as I observed these people, that if they weren’t family I wouldn’t be spending time with them.


Which, has lead to my favourite question on this topic. “If they weren’t your family, would you have them in your life?”

As you sit with that question, stay tuned as there is oh so much more coming.


The Company We Keep

Exhibit A – This person always tries to be the center of attention. Always tries to alleviate stresses and pressures by being funny.  Breaking up the monotony of situations by setting up some sort of joke or tactic for people to engage with, and distract the situation from whatever it is.  This person also, withholds information during conversations, when sharing about details that are bothering them.  This person also has deep interests in pointing out when others are doing something incorrectly, and will argue to the end of time.  Someone walking away from them saying, I’m not having this conversation anymore, is a “win” in their books. A real, chip on their shoulder kinda person.

Exhibit B – This person is positive.  Doesn’t like to be the center of attention, but it organically turns out that way.  They are very captivating, interesting and everything they say is logical, balanced, and intentional.  They don’t pick fights, but they do defend their position, to a point, and then, they will walk away.  They are honest, straightforward, reliable and never feel that anyone owes them anything.

I’ve been friends with both exhibits for many years.  In the last couple of years, my friendship with exhibit A, had lessened, because I simply didn’t want to be around that energy anymore.  I found it tiresome, contained, and not helpful at all.  I used to be very good friends with them, because I used to be in the same mindset.  I would tirelessly find reasons to be negative, seek out the bad in situations, allow situations to become worse than what they are, and go down the rabbit hole of misery.

My friendship with exhibit B, has been expansive, fulfilling, positive, supportive, and cherished!  We collaborate and collude in ways that are thought-provoking, uplifting, and take real every day situations and conversations and turn them into moments to learn and grow.

The other day, exhibit A said to me, I don’t trust exhibit B.  They are too positive and I never feel like I get an honest response.

I was aghast.

My immediate reaction was to say that exhibit B is one of the most honest people I know, and that everything they say is deeply truthful.  That I am the same way, and although it may not appear to be the case, I am very much like exhibit B.

Exhibit A, then managed to change the conversation back into what we were originally talking about, which was a complaint about a work situation.  They took my “I’m just feeling frustrated about some things today…” and managed to rope me in to a lengthy discussion about what, who, how, why and so on.  How? Easily, I let my boundary down.  My boundary of remembering that not everyone is an Exhibit B, no matter how much we want them to be. No matter how much we desire friendships to come along with us, when we change.

I felt like shit. It completely drained the rest of the energy I had left.

But, exhibit A, doesn’t know any better.  They don’t choose to do better.  So I was reminded of why my time with Exhibit A is limited, and civil, and my time with Exhibit B, is the go to option when I need a place to park my thoughts and feelings.

If you’re choosing to change and grow, be careful of the company you keep.  You will be faced with decisions around this quite often, because the truth is, that’s just how humans work.  Re-writing your thought patterns isn’t necessarily easy, but it is possible.

Once you surrender to this, I guarantee you, you’ll flourish.

I know I did.


Manifesting and Clarity

The other day I saw a short and sweet post that said 2018 is about manifesting and clarity.

I loved this.

Clarity is one of my super powers that I bring to any situation, and manifesting and I go way back.

I have been having a casual affair with the law of attraction for nearly a decade, and I’ve committed once in a while, but then quickly abandoned it.

Just this week, after a few divinely timed events, I was reflecting on everything I have called into my life in the last couple of years in a very intentional way.

I mean everything.

All the good stuff, and all the seemingly “not so good” stuff.

I remembered the books I would fill with pages and pages of gratitude.  Line after line I would write everything I was grateful for, including the stuff that hadn’t yet physically arrived, but was on it’s way to me.

I would write how I felt about all those things, as I created stories about how it would feel, and really got into the vibe as if whatever it was, had already arrived and I was living it, receiving it, or experiencing it in some way.

You know, I believe in the woo.  I believe in the magic, but as life happens, the magic gets put on the backburner and it sometimes slips away for a moment or two, and then we are left with doubts because the “thing” never came to fruition.

We give up.

We give up because we are tired, frustrated, impatient and easily annoyed humans.

Some of us, come back to it, some of us don’t.  Some don’t even try, yet they continue to gripe about the problem, rather than living in the solution. (Definitely in my top 10 list of pet peeves)

You know the people. The people who have given up? The people who you see several years later, still stuck in the same relationship, job, home, lifestyle and nothing has changed. Yup, those folks.

So I had to own this and look at the areas that I’ve been unsatisfied with, and feel into what action steps I would take going forward to manifest what I wanted in those areas.

Last night as I was preparing for bed, I read todays message from Yasmin Boland (she’s awesome check her out) from her book Moonology, she writes;

Crescent Moon in Pisces: This is the time to allow your dreams to blossom and flourish. If it doesn’t sound too poetic, think of yourself and your dreams as a flower that’s opening up.

Remember, the Moon is moving from being invisible to full power, and it’s the same for your dreams.

Right now you might not be able to see what you’re going to manifest, but before too long they will start to show up, just as the sliver of the Waxing Crescent Moon is showing up in the skies.”

Another reminder, for me to keep dreaming, keep believing, and keep trusting. Just because I (we) can’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there.




On this calm, blessed morning, if you are open to receive, I send you a big beautiful dose of love to infuse into your being for the magic and manifesting power you would like to call in, for the good of all, or not at all.


~RockYourMud RockYourMud2

My Medicine, My Healing Practice ~ And Where I Am Today

I have the soul of a healer. My soul food, is helping others. Whether it be through the variety of day jobs I’ve had in my life, stepping in to assist a stranger, making sure my partner has everything he needs, showing up at a friend’s house to ease her worries, giving free healing sessions, doing paid healing sessions, writing, giving an hour and a half instead of just the hour, and often going above and beyond, give give give.

At one time in my life this would have been seen as traits similar to people pleasing, approval seeking and even codependency, and someone with super fluid boundaries. So fluid in fact, that they floated away… wayyyyyy out to the far beyond. I’m not sure they existed. You know what? That’s okay, because at the core of it all, it made my soul, crazy happy.

As the cool coaches say… “It lit me up!”

I came into this world to heal others. I’m not going to hide behind the guise anymore of whatever term of the week I would choose in the past. People ask what my calling is. People ask what my soul purpose is, and without a doubt, I am a healer.

The story of my Creation as I’ve only mentioned briefly before, was that I did not want to come here. I did not want to be here, but when I saw the darkness, I knew there was another way, and knew that the darkness wasn’t to be feared. Many people are familiar with the term lightworker. I do not call myself a lightworker, but I do believe in love, the power of our thoughts, and that magic is real. It is all highly romantic and beautiful really, and it feels so seductive and sexy, and it works. I have felt better. I have seen people feel better and make huge improvements in their life, and I truly love the light.
This morning as I was thinking about this, this term floated through my mind. Maybe it’s out there somewhere, maybe it’s been used, but I feel like I’m a Shadow Realist. Let me explain.

We all have dark times in our lives. In some way shape or form there is some sort of pain. There is a sliding scale of pain as we all handle life differently, but there is no room for judgment, or comparison. Pain, is pain to me.

When I look at someone’s pain, I see it deeply. I see through the bad mood, the argument, the words. I see beyond what I am being shown. I feel pain too. I feel it deep in my body. Not only mine, but yours. So many people have said to me, how I need to protect myself from this! Wrap myself in white light and purple light, and Unicorn dust, and I do, but this is how I connect with people. This is how I embody the connection between healer and client. Sounds rather “woo” I’m sure, but that’s the truth. Not to worry though, I feel the joy, love and excitement too. It’s wildly contagious and just as brilliant to experience, and I can disconnect it in an instant, it’s never hurt me.

The other part is that I’m a realist. I know, that the love light and butterflies have their time and place, but we need to know our darkness and our shadows. I actually feel uncomfortable saying this with authority because there is such brilliant lightwork out there, and I’ve been told so many times how “heavy” and “dark” I am, that I’m questioning my own truth here. That’s how I know my ego is stepping in, thinking I need to quiet down and go along, to get along.

My soul knows, that there is nothing to fear with the shadows or the dark, but we are so quick to put a balm on things that we don’t allow what needs to come through, to come through. What happens, is it comes back, it shows up when you don’t want it to, it ruins a perfectly good day, it burns your moment.
It’s one thing to say, this too shall pass, or everything happens for a reason, but if we don’t look at the this, or the reason, it’s going to swing by again, and again, and again.

I believe there are lessons in everything, and that those burns, depressed days, the anxiety, the physical pain, the argument, the sadness, the traffic, the challenge that shows up at your precious little feet, are all moments that we need.
I know, it sounds awful doesn’t it?

Why on earth could we *need* those moments? Because those are the days that we have been gifted, regardless of what comes with them. Yes, even the “bad” stuff, *wistful sigh*.

I ask, how would you know light, if you did not know dark?
As a Healer, I am able to see into that darkness with a certain level of I dare say, grace, and bring forward new visions, clarity, truths. I am then able to help put balm on soul wounds and heart aches. I am able, to dance with the shadows, in the dark and the light, with you.

As 2017 came to an end, I closed off many things in my life. I ended relationships, both personal and business. I closed out some business membership work I was doing much earlier than expected. I realized that I want to work with men and women. I discovered my affinity towards helping people with addictions. Not the common addictions like alcohol and drugs, these too, but other things like, anger, being stuck, money habits, food habits, our cell phones and I have to say it, Facebook.

So what do I see for 2018?

I see a lot of what you already have seen me offer, with a deeper commitment of authenticity, soul food and me.

My individual intuitive writing pieces, my oracle card readings, my Reiki energy healing treatments, interviews, drum medicine, online workshops, downloadable medicine, a new group, that I’ve been playing with for about 24 hours and am almost ready to open the doors on, one on one clients, a package or two of bundle healing offerings, and just all of me, in my way. No more gurus, no more “this is what everyone is doing” energy, no more this is how to sell, this is how to blah blah blah. Sounds like a lengthy list right? Lots of goals? Not enough focus? No “smart” map layout. No laser point direction.

But that’s just it, the soul, my soul, is very clear, and from one week to the next different things may feel good, because I’m a focused-what feels good right now-kind of healer, and I’m totally light, dark, shadow realistically cool with that.

Heather 💜🦄

P.S. Lots of purple hearts and unicorns too.


Rock Your Mud _ Deeper (1)

The Morning Calm


Another day gifted to us. This morning when we woke I knew I needed quiet time before we got started for the day. I’ve always needed this quiet space between sleep and the start of the day. It helps me balance, focus and set intentions to start the day on the right note. The Truth is, I could sit in silence and stillness all day, and I have always said that we are surrounded by too much noise.

Adrian sat close by reading a book and I sat at my desk writing and breathing into the day. The calmness and quiet was blissful.

As he finished the chapter he was reading, he lit a piece of sage and smudged, and handed me the bowl. After I smudged myself, I walked around our home, clearing and praying. Sending blessings and gratitude to all of the things here that are so very special to both of us. Artwork by a residential school survivor, stones with the 7 teachings written on them, feathers, drums, sweet grass, candles, fresh water that we are gifted each day, our bed where we rest and heal, grateful for the day. Just to name a few.

I asked if he was going to smoke his Canupa (sacred pipe) today. He said he had thought about it and then proceeded to collect everything that is needed for this ceremony. I sat and softly drummed while he prepared. Then we sat in the quiet smoked, and prayed.

For everyone who happens upon this piece, if you woke today not feeling how you truly want to feel, know that you can decide to create your mornings, or days, any way your heart desires, starting at any time.