As I drop the veil…

Eagle Medicine Has Given Me A Responsibility, and so today, I have arrived at this piece.
 
Did you know that when I used to facilitate groups and classes I would pray to the Creator to give me the right words to deliver and share?
 
I’m going to bring that prayer through again now, and ask the Creator give me the words to write this. Knowing that some may still get their back up, or decide to become defensive, or personalize the situation. You do what you need to do. I can hold space for that, and will cut the cord if necessary. My desire is that there is medicine here for anyone who happens upon this piece.
 
Last night a card picked me. The Eagle Medicine card from Denise Linn’s Native Spirit deck. Yesterday morning, I had shared some insight with my love, and although our conversation will remain personal, I had expressed to him that I had Eagle medicine coming through, and drawing that card 12 hours later reinforced my truth.
 
As I write this, my hands feel like ice blocks. They are cramping and sore, but this coldness is magical. It feels like a breeze from an elder helping me compile what I need to say here.
 
Creator, I ask for the words, for my connection to you to now flow through my soul, to my finger tips, and my Eagle Medicine at this time, be used for good, and with the utmost love and positive intention.
 
I believe, that there is deep medicine in asking the hard questions. I also believe that we are Conscious Creators. We don’t get to pick and choose. We either consciously create, or we don’t. This is my school of thought.
 
This means, that I have had to look at why, I created health concerns, mental, emotional and physical. It meant I had to look at why I created financial issues. Relationship issues. Career Issues. I need to examine the beauty and perfection in the mess of the 36 years of my life. That, is where the medicine is. That is where the healing is. It’s in the mess.
 
This way of thinking and being, is a whole other level of “taking responsibility for your life”. When I actively decided to embrace this way of being and believing. So much changed for me. I’m still a work in progress and there will always be more things to sort through, but right now, from this particular vantage point, I can’t sit silently.
 
It has been said to me often that I need to share my story, and my words. I’ve also been told by many Intuitives/Psychics/Mediums etc. that I’m that person who is going to do “this” (life thing) my very own way. But my deep knowing, tells me that to some, that’s just a fluffy way of letting themselves off the hook when I speak up about certain things not resonating. To others, I deeply believe that they felt, feel, and see this in me honestly. As do I. Why is it important to acknowledge the fluff? Because that has taught me discernment.
 
Today, this is where I find myself, literally and figuratively. In front of my keyboard, on a beautiful Saturday, after a beautiful sleep, a lovely meal, and music playing in the background that has an exceptionally groovy beat. Does this make me privileged? Should I be grateful that I can sit here and do this?
 
Just over a decade ago I was bankrupt and using overdraft to pay my rent. I couldn’t get out of the hole. I had zero desire to live, my relationships at the time were toxic, and I created a glorious mess of a life. So the fact that I can sit here peacefully and make time to speak my truth, definitely feels wonderful, and I’m grateful for all of it. But I also know that based on my now beliefs, for the sake of context, I create both the “good” and the “bad”. My truth is, it is all good, even when we don’t think it is.
 
Debating gratitude and conscious creation is a whole other book I may some day write, but I really question where gratitude falls into this dynamic. Similarly, the concept of fake it until you make it. Keep smiling even though you feel like a sack of crap. Keep drinking coffee until you look alive. Pile on some mascara and hot red lip gloss so you can hide the fact that you were up late drinking again. Keep having gratitude that most of us, or the people I know right now in my life, got by unscathed and didn’t have to live through wars, or bombings or goodness knows what else, or what the “history books” told us about. Insert heavy sigh here. Phew! Got by that situation by the skin of our teeth didn’t we folks? Which is a biblical reference. Oh damn. She just brought the Bible into this piece.
 
Here’s where I’m at. We walk around with shadows of our past and history, and masks all the time. About pretty much anything and everything. How many people do you know right now, that you can firmly identify don’t do this in some way?
We hide behind the veil. We show the highlight reel. We glamorize the stuff we love, and we turn a blind eye to the stuff we don’t want to believe.
 
The majority of people cope with life events in a way that falls somewhere on the spectrum of, extremely unhealthy, through let’s say some addiction, or ignorance, or to the extreme other end of the spectrum of being all love light and butterflies. I’ve fallen all across the spectrum at various points in my life. No veil. That’s the truth.
 
Right now, I’m in truth seeker mode. I’m seeing and knowing so much more about life and the powerful driving forces that I actually cannot articulate it. These experiences I’m having are more powerful than any words I could ever deliver at this juncture in my life.
This is why I struggle when people create excuses for everything. This is why, I probably haven’t spent time socializing with people in the last handful of months. This is why, I come across as cold, or bitchy or perhaps standoffish. This is why my writing style comes across as very in your face. This is why, I’m exhausted. This is why I’m empowered. This is why, I rattle cages. This is why, I know I need to do this.
 
This is why, this post will quite possibly alienate myself even more. I’ve accepted that.
 
What prompted this piece today was my feelings that have come up to the surface about all the ways in which I don’t own my life responsibility, and how I see others, (yup totally judgement) doing the same.
 
This week has been particularly challenging. From Charlottesville, to Indigenous History, to seeing that someone I love deeply the other day was accused of spreading “white hate” after quoting Black Elk. Uhm, seriously?
 
I am struggling with the ways in which people are trying to digest and or glamorize what’s going on everywhere in the world right now, but not digging below the surface and looking at how this chaos and madness was created, and to try and find the medicine in *that* which is.
 
Rather than turning away from it, and crying over it, and praying over it and trying to spread more love and cheer, what would happen if we embraced it in a way that educated us as to WHY this is going on in the first place? I’m not an expert. I’m not claiming to be, but I see a LOT of people afraid to speak their truth. I don’t care what you want to say about any “identifier” the bottom line is we are all one, but how does that truly help us? We can say all we like, but it’s about taking action and responsibility. Similarly to this post. It’s all words Heather, so where is the action? I dare say that my action is shining a different light on this subject so that people may think twice about what they are thinking, saying, and doing or not, thinking saying and doing. I’m all for high vibe, positivity and love, but I’m also for learning about why this hate and these moments in time are happening, or have happened.
 
I struggle because many don’t see it this way and damn it hurts. I struggle because I can see beyond a car driving into a crowd of people. I can see beyond, dancers in sacred ceremony in a powwow. I can see beyond, this limited view so may of us hold. A’ho! Eagle Medicine.
 
Yet, here we are. In our human forms of stardust, doing the best we can do with what we have. We do have a choice though, we can choose to become more knowledgeable, and really enrich our lives with some deep knowing and understanding, or we can continue to keep our head in the sand or clouds. Most people, choose the latter. I did too. It doesn’t make them wrong, or me wrong, and I don’t want to sound judgmental, but one day I had some sort of awakening, and I can honestly say that it’s a mix of a blessing and a curse. I have met incredible people who have taught me many things, and when I embody that there is medicine in the hellish experiences, that’s the blessing, while I’m in it, and crying, and feeling defeated and wanting to just make it all stop, that’s the curse. For those of you who are familiar with me, this is also when I do the most cursing.
 
I’ve got to quote my man John Lennon now as I believe he said it best.
 
“There are two basic motivating forces: fear and love. When we are afraid, we pull back from life. When we are in love, we open to all that life has to offer with passion, excitement, and acceptance. We need to learn to love ourselves first, in all our glory and our imperfections. If we cannot love ourselves, we cannot fully open to our ability to love others or our potential to create. Evolution and all hopes for a better world rest in the fearlessness and open-hearted vision of people who embrace life.”
 
In order for me to embrace life the way I’m taking this into my awareness, is that I need to be mindful of the whole picture. There are some damn ugly truths out there, that most people choose to put blinders on.
 
I want to share with you a recent experience, a visit to Petroglphys Provincial Park.
 
Located in Ontario Canada, this is the largest known concentration of Aboriginal rock carvings, and the sacred site is known as “The Teaching Rocks.”
 
I certainly got taught. I felt things I never knew I could feel, and the closer I remain to these teachings, the more I feel them.
 
The site is not to be photographed, but there are other areas that you may photograph. It wasn’t busy, but the energy of the area you can photograph was very, “oh, ahh…” glamour, let’s get this on Facebook and Instagram energy. The non-photography area, was deeper. It was quiet. It was powerful. It held the pain of our Aboriginal ancestry and truth. It also held, a magnificent beauty. I could see the medicine in the carvings. I could feel the power of every tree I touched. I could sense the pull in my feet as I walked along the grounds. My dear love was allowed to set foot on the actual protected site and leave a sacred offering in the altar that was created for this purpose. We always carry tobacco and sage with us for these reasons. I watched him step barefoot onto the rock, where many before him stood, where ancestors carved, and I shed tears, as I watched him in quiet ceremony with his divine connection to the creator. I myself, could feel the cold, and the fear in the silence of that history. You can’t take a picture of that.
 
You can’t glamorize that.
 
Which brings me back to today, to the powers at force, to Charlottesville, and Barcelona, and to the stabbings, and shootings in my city in the last 24 hours that were televised this morning while I walked on the treadmill at the gym. A gym that I found myself looking around seeing how I was surrounded by every race, gender, age, and belief system you can imagine. I guess this should make me feel privileged and grateful again.
So why do I struggle? I struggle because I feel like so many people are so full of sh!t. They can’t see the truth of what’s really going on or HAS gone on. I say this with love. I too was, and in some ways, still am full of sh!t myself.
 
What I mean by this is that it is hard to speak our truth. It is hard to know that you will alienate yourself. It is hard to take criticisms and find yourself laying there at 3AM wondering who will remain.
If we refer back to those two motivating forces, Fear and Love, and we look at where the LOVE is, in these events and historical items I’ve listed above, then that’s where I find the real medicine. If I stay in fear mode, then I continue in my victim mentality, my ego, and my ignorance.
 
If I choose to OWN my responsibilities of my life, of everything I have created… EVERYTHING.. every last drop, then maybe, just maybe, I can see some answers to those “why questions”.
What if we apply this theory here to the different points of view to be held on Cultural Appropriation, Terrorism, Genocide, War, Addiction, Rich, Famous, Shame, Guilt, you name it, everyone has a view point or a suggestion or an idea.
 
Let’s bring it even closer to home.
 
I’ve seen several mentions of Canada being nicer and more polite about it. I’ve seen people suggest that we need to re-frame our language about these issues in order to stay high vibe and “in gratitude” for those of us who are privileged. I think this is all well intentioned, but I don’t think it’s true. I don’t think Canada is nicer or more polite about it. It’s there. In a deep dark scary way, and although it may not be seen, it will be. It will come blazing through. But again, where is the love or the beauty in watching that unfold. It’s deep fear. It’s people trying to protect “their people”. No matter how morally wrong or right we think something is, this is just how it shows up. Fear, does wild things.
 
It’s not about wearing shirts that say “this life matters” or “that life matters”. It’s not about “this pride” or “that pride”. It’s not about attending a rally, or attending another rally to fight the first rally.
It’s about the fact that we all bleed red. Except for the person who said no, I bleed blue! Because deflection with humour about being a die hard Toronto Maple Leaf’s Fan is how they cope. Which goes back to that spectrum I was talking about.
 
We are all people. We all have moments of questioning, of labeling, of defending, and of not knowing what the hell to do. But maybe, just maybe, rather than trying to “stop” certain rallies, or ignore privilege, or have gratitude, or whatever act the crowd is running with, we try to explore every morsel of why things happen in the first place. Dig down deep into the story of why we are still holding onto history that cannot be changed. Dig down into the truth about how fear is the motivating force behind so many of these atrocities, and to know that to those people it is how they protect and love themselves. Therein lies the medicine. The carnage, the chaos the images we see are loud, glaring and mind boggling, but to them, that is how they live their truth.
 
We all protect what is sacred to us. We all stand up for what we think is right or noble or speaks to us, and by doing this, we alienate people, we segregate and we forget that we all bleed red.
Although on the surface my skin is white, I am still part Unicorn, part Alien, and part Purple Couch. At this point in this piece it doesn’t matter what I say about who or what I am, as I think I’ve uprooted enough for one day. I know that I have likely raised more questions than answers. I may have a few less friends or followers. I may end up with my own Unicorn party of one. I just know that staying silent was a choice, but shining my own light on this mind of mine, would deepen my awareness and understanding. Bringing me to another layer, another level, another place.
 
So, there you have it, almost 3000 words of my thoughts and feelings on things lately. With my beautiful unique flares of madness that I bring to the world.
 
This Eagle Medicine, these words, I’m trying to use for good, and deepen my awakening, and maybe someone else’s too.
 
Love,
Heather
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