Not half bad

As I weave my way through my life, I often sit back and reflect. I wonder, what I’ve done well, and what I could be doing better.
A handful of years ago I got this idea that I should celebrate my half birthday. Which calculated the simplest way, is six months after your birthday. Humans like to complicate things, so I’ll let you google half birthdays on your own time if you’re really mathy and want more specifics.
 
I’m not sure where I first heard it, or what prompted me to recognize it, but it struck me how little we celebrate life…how some people absolutely hate their birthday for whatever their personal reasons are… and at the age of 24 I got sick and tired of hearing how no one would celebrate my birthday on January 2nd because it’s the “last thing anyone wanted to think about after Christmas and New Year’s”. Lovely. What a WAY to celebrate the shiny sparkly sometimes Muddy Unicorn that I am.
So for my 25th I started planning my own birthdays, and well, people came. Very rarely did anyone not show up. If they didn’t, it was for a damn good reason. Like travel or previous family engagements. Not because “oh, but it was just Christmas and New Year’s.. we can’t possibly make time for another celebration”.
 
Since then, I have spent time with the most important people on my birthday. Sometimes it’s been a couple of dear friends, sometimes it’s been a larger group, sometimes just one person. Sometimes the birthday gathering might be a week or so later, but a birthday to me, is a big deal.
 
My half birthday, today, July 2nd, is also special for me. I don’t plan a special event, I don’t collect my nearest and dearest, but I do reflect. I sit with my thoughts, my feelings. I look back on the last six months of my life and see about how the next six may go.
 
Remember when you were a kid, or maybe you have children now, who when you mention their age, they correct you and say, no I’m not I’m 6 and a HALLLLFFFF!!!! Getting older, taller, bigger, “grown up” is all the rage. Until you become one, but that’s a whole other blog post.
 
This morning I sit, at 36 and a half.
 
I sip a perfect cup of tea, that I’m convinced my maternal Grandmother helps me stir from the Spirit world every time I make one, books, pens, plans and ideas all around. Birds chirping, a gentle breeze in the air, and a birthday wish from my dear sweet man before he headed off to work.
 
My thoughts, now here for you to take in, and maybe even a few secrets.
 
I’m not afraid of getting old, I’m afraid of living an unfulfilled life.
I had a very restless night, and have had nightmares for a week about people dying, accidents happening, things I’ve done wrong coming back to haunt me.
 
I understand the fragility of life.
 
I know my strength.
 
Every single day, I try to make someone smile or laugh, but often struggle to do this for myself.
 
Sometimes, as the days go by, I wonder what else will change for me, and what will stay the same.
 
Personal development is and has been my primary focus for a couple of years, but sometimes I wonder if I’m doing a good enough job, but only I know, since I’m the one who lives in this body, and no one else can really gauge that can they?
 
I’ve gotten angry, resentful and mean more times than I’d like to admit in the last six months.
 
I’ve loved hard, given more than I thought possible and cared when I didn’t think I would about certain things.
 
I’ve rediscovered my love for baking, cooking, and get lost for hours in the kitchen.
 
I’ve cracked my heart wide open to receive, and sometimes get really scared that she made decide to close down and give up.
 
I understand the importance of forgiving myself.
 
I understand the necessity of staying in the healthiest mindset possible.
 
I’ve been both blessed and cursed with unique gifts and abilities, like being a mix between claircognizant, clairsentient, clairaudient and clairvoyant, depending on the day or situation. Some of these more than others.
 
I am an author.
 
Most importantly I am the author of my life. Today, that looks like me lovingly allowing whatever shall come today, and graciously accepting that I have be gifted the last 36 and a half years on this planet.

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