The other day as I sat in Galaxy “Not Good Enough”, my body, my mind, and my heart declined into very dark space. What I have learned though is that whenever I am in that dark space it lasts as long as it needs to last for me to learn and grow from the experience.
I spent the entire day Sunday between my bed and my couch. I had nothing left to give. I could barely keep my head up. A migraine had consumed me. It hurt so bad that I thought my ears were going to bleed. I get these migraines a handful of times a year. I used to get them more frequently but now they strike when I’ve been pushing or trying to hard, or I haven’t been kind to my body with poor food choices or lack of sleep. Nailed it! I’ve been doing all of that, and more.
When I allowed all of the things I was upset about rise to the surface on Saturday, I didn’t anticipate having to spend the entire next day in bed. I thought that I had processed a good bit Saturday evening and restored my balance. Apparently my body had other plans.
You see, what I have learned is that if I don’t pause long enough to really get the meaning or the lesson behind what is happening in my life, my body will force me to slow down. It knows that migraines are my weakness, but through that weakness comes strength, and so, I surrendered.
I surrendered to being disappointed about things. I surrendered to being angry about other things. I surrendered to the excruciating pain in my head. I surrendered to being awake for two hours in the middle of the night in tears because I was just so damn frustrated with myself.
I surrendered, and I lived.
Sometimes we think that surrender means we’ve given up. I’ve learned that surrender is an empowering stance to have, because we allow what is. We allow whatever expectations we had to fall away, and to see the beauty in the moments we are experiencing right then and there in the moment as they are.
People, places and things don’t disappoint us. Our expectations do. My expectations of what I had for myself, are what landed me in Galaxy “Not Good Enough”. You see, I’m resilient, strong, opinionated, independent and I’m a fighter. I get a death grip on something and I will not let go. These traits are some of my strengths but they are also my curse. I must remember the importance of seeking balance.
As I tried to turn things around, I realized that in those moments, I was trying to use positivity to stop the experience I was having. Effectively attempting to stick my head in the sand and ignore. But, what I realized was that thinking positively and trusting that all was well, didn’t mean I needed to ignore or deny the feelings I was having. It meant that I was experiencing my life completely in those moments as they were. It didn’t make me any less Spiritual or struggle-free. It made me authentic in allowing what my heart needed in those moments.
Several folks had written and asked how I manage to work in and through the dark space. After years of trying to figure this out, I think I finally have an answer.
I thought I’d have some magical top 10 list to provide you with, or a new idea for a book, or some brilliant new meme dedicated to me, because the “cure” was just so awesome. But the answer is this, just sit.
The last few days, I needed to be in that dark space. I allowed it because I knew I needed it. So, I sat with it, because sometimes all we need to do, is sit with things. We don’t need to do anything more or anything less.
This likely isn’t what people want to hear, but remember it’s not people that disappoint us it’s the expectation. We need to cry. We need to feel. We need to let ourselves rest. We need to just sit. If you can sit with yourself long enough, and allow all the things to come up to the surface, they will be honoured and released.