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Alignment with your soul, Your I AM

As we align more fully into who we are, we out grow many things. People, foods, homes, work places, books, vitamins, attitudes, belief systems, labels.
It is when we hold onto things we struggle, we stay stuck. We think about what we need, rather than feeling about what we need.
 
I’ve been stuck for the last five months. My stuck point has been “hope”. Yes that’s right. Hope. I’m deeply grateful that this was pointed out to me by a Medicine Woman who I have deep respect and appreciation for. I didn’t even flinch when this was shown to me. Instead, I cried. I cried because it was true. I’ve been hoping, for so much, for so long. Hoping for things to fall into place. Hoping I would see return on all the investments I thought I was making into myself. You see, I’ve outgrown hope. The Universe, Creator, God, whatever word I use, meets me where I am at, and I need to start showing up as the person, the soul, the spirit, that I AM. Not because I hope to be this, but to recognize I already AM.
As much as I have shown up, I’ve only been hoping, that my presence has been felt and seen. Now, I intend for it to be seen. No more doubting. No more denying. No more false beliefs.
 
Again, from this divine Medicine Woman:
 
I AM a visionary. I AM a healer. I AM a wisdom keeper and seer.
 
The medicine I’m taking in today, is to sit with the I AM rather than the “hope”.
 
My vision and wisdom for you today; dear ones, is that this period of time has been challenging for many. I don’t see when this will end specifically because “time” is a whole other ball of wax, but the healer in me knows, that no matter how challenging the times get, it is how you react to those times that will make it feel more or less challenging. I see that this all comes down to choice, every drop of it. No matter what is happening around us, no matter what the beliefs are, we choose what we do with the information we have, we choose what we do with the feelings we experience. We choose what we want to align with.
 
I see you choosing differently today, I see you believing differently today, I see you aligning with you …and it is so. 💜
 

Continually Finding Myself

 
For a very long time, it was difficult for me to be honest, vulnerable and authentic. I was raised in a way that you didn’t share your struggles with anyone, you wore a mask and if anyone asked you the truth about anything you lied.
In my early twenties I was able to break free from these beliefs for a brief moment. I had a good run of being a little bit more “me”. Until one day an old friend I had recently reconnected with made a comment to me about having “gone soft”. She had also pointed out to these other individuals we were with that when she first met me I was skinny and “look at her now”. Quite the friend indeed.
 
This lead me down a path of going back to hiding my truth and wearing the mask. For almost another 10 years I would avoid my authenticity. I wouldn’t be me. I would bury her, repeatedly, time and time again. Whether it be through various avoidance tactics or mistreating myself in some way. I was lost. In a moment of what I still believe to be divine intervention, I was given a choice, I could die this way, or rebuild my whole life my soul.
 
I’m writing this, so you know what my choice was.
A handful of years later, I continue this journey of deeply knowing myself. It seems that there are months that I discover more truths about who I am and what I want, or don’t want. People talk about the mid-life crisis, the existential crisis, the concept of finding yourself or whatever other catch-phrase of the decade it is. I remember these being shameful phrases in the past when I would hear the adults talk this way.
 
What I’ve learned is that these are just phrases people need in order to capture what another person may be experiencing. My truth is, I continually try things, until I find what aligns. So to some, it may appear that I’m continually finding myself. It could be an aspect of my business, my food choices, the people I spend time with, the books I read, where I choose to live, or which street I decide to take on any given day. It could be a self-care practice, what I write, or whether or not I just sit in a dark room with a salt lamp and let things fall away.
 
I can’t stay static. I can’t ignore my soul. Change is necessary. I don’t know what it looks like, or how it will unfold, but I know when I woke this morning that resisting whatever it is, will dishonour my soul and delay me on my journey.
 
If you’re continually finding yourself, I offer this, I’m trusting it’ll all work out as it should, no matter how terrifying it feels right now, it’ll be better than we can possibly imagine.
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Yes, this is a picture of my dirty dishes.

Why oh why would I share a post about dirty dishes? I mean, how uncivilized of me. Earlier this week I began working on a handcrafted gift for my love as his birthday would arrive on Friday. I have this thing about not being able to do things weeks in advance, all of my work, my posts, my ideas come in the moment. Sometimes several hours before I want to deliver them. It’s just how I roll.
 
The evening that I wrapped up the finishing touches, I walked through the kitchen after I had made dinner and saw that the breakfast dishes were still there, and now my dinner dishes. I looked at the sink, and said NOPE. I wanted the rest of the evening to myself to do Reiki and celebrate the arrival of the full moon and just be with me. I left a sink filled with dirty dishes and I was more than content to do it. All week, my creative spark was on fire. I knew I wanted to make something, but I didn’t quite know how it was going to exactly look once it was completed. I had all the materials and I sat with it, I slept on it, and I allowed it to flow.
 
I chose to play instead of doing the dishes. Yup, several years ago I would have felt shame and disappointment at my irresponsibility. True story. Not anymore though. I was in my element. I lost track of time. Like a child playing or making a craft, time escapes. I was in this blissful God like state of divine connection, and if it wasn’t for my stiff body and very cold arse from sitting on the bathroom floor with a hair dryer and a knife working with the leftover glue and clean up process of my project, I’d never have known what time it was, or how old I was.
 
It got me thinking. How little time we make for play. For creativity. For balance. We are so busy being busy, that we may not be fueling our Spirit, but rather spinning our wheels wondering why we aren’t getting anywhere.
 
The dirty dishes were a reminder to me that it’s okay to say no to things, it’s okay to choose differently, and it is okay to play.
 
I’ve reacquainted myself with my absolute love of cooking and baking. The joy of making handmade gifts and projects, and simply being in my zone of fun.
 
What fun do you need to create in your life?
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Full Moon Magic

For years growing up I would hear how “insane” people were around the time of the full moon. I never felt this way. I always felt incredibly empowered, intuitive and dialed in during the full moon. I would never speak of this though, because back then, I hadn’t quite found my voice. Even today, when people share their various energies, and how unsettled everything is, I often hesitate to share that I feel completely the opposite. Apparently I’m still working on finding my voice on certain topics.
 
My soul is wise and knows all I need to know, but my beautiful thinking mind and brain cannot quite articulate or comprehend it all yet. I’ve found myself being more drawn to moon medicine, I’ve just started looking more into this and the more I read, the more sense everything seems to make to me. I feel there is some potent medicine for me to add to my collection to help myself and others heal.
 
What I know for sure is that I’m glad I didn’t buy in to what I was told about the Full Moon, but instead chose my own path and story to align with. I can now witness before me what unfolds during this time, rather than engage with it.
On this beautiful full moon day, I send you full moon blessings, and if you’d like, you can release that which no longer serves, especially stories that don’t align with your soul.
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Knowing The Forest, Seeing Me

As I looked into the forest that I am so grateful to live within an arm’s reach of last night, I saw how lush and full she was.  The various greens, and the depth that went on into eternity.  Every day at least twice, I look at her, and I marvel at her.  I wanted to walk into her, and just be there in all her authenticity and all her truth. From where I was standing though, there wasn’t quite a safe entry point, so I’d have go another way.

Similarly, the dark space that I’ve stood in for the last couple weeks, has been authentic.  I stood there, marveling in my truth.  My soul speak.  I knew I had to be in that place and marvel at the beauty. For some it looked dangerous and uncomfortable, but for me, I knew I was safe.

You see, for the first 28 years of my life, I was living in the dark space. Back then, I could have stood at the edge of that forest, walked into it, and never returned.  Now? A visit now and again is all I need to learn, to grow and transform some new layer.

The dark space doesn’t scare me, it catches me off guard sometimes, it puts me through energetic hell, and people around me are left looking at me wondering what on earth they should or shouldn’t do.  My answer to this is nothing.

There is nothing to fix, because I am not broken.

There is nothing to make better, because honestly it’s all good.

There is nothing to do, because I need to just be.

That is why I let myself go to the dark space.  For those first 28 years of my life of living in it, we became very good friends. Now, when it flares up, I know my limits, I know what I need or don’t need, and I know, that it is only temporary.

This morning, as I woke to that cool crisp air, I felt that energetic shift of knowing that my visit to the dark space was over. I knew that standing at the edge of the forest, and looking at her last night was an absolute creation, a mirror, of knowing what was safe, what was next and what was shifting.

Another few layers peeled, soul truths honoured, and heart, oh, so content.

 

Ohhhh the Energies

What’s that saying about women being like tea bags.. and putting them in hot water?

Ah yes, thank you google. “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

Lately it feels like there’s a lot of hot water around me.  Thank goodness I’m not going through menopause yet, but if it’s as uncomfortable as this, I suspect it’s comparable.

As I watched my tea steep this morning, yes, steep.  All three minutes.  I had a few moments to stop and breathe.  There seems to be a running theme lately, and when I say lately, I think it’s been about a year, where many are commenting on the “energies”.  How they are shifting, changing, and intense.

The truth is whatever it is, I’m kind of sick of it.  I’m so sick of it, that I’m sick of myself.  I’m tired of feeling miserable and not knowing why. I’m tired of feeling low vibe and out of balance. I’m tired of seeing other people suffer and also be out of balance.  There goes that empath thing again.

The flip side of course is that there are pockets of joy, like me deciding to bake cookies last night.  Or the private message from a friend telling me to keep writing.  Or the pictures I found on my phone of our anniversary get away last month.  I could give you a year’s worth of pockets of joy, but this looming energy thing has always been there.  I feel like we need to pull together, all of us, who feel this way, and decide how to deal with it, how to thrive through it, rather than exist in it.

I don’t believe that these pockets of joy, should slip away so easily. Life is not meant to be so damn difficult. But what I also realize is that I never knew how hard it was to stay high vibe, until I was consciously trying to stay high vibe.  It’s bloody exhausting!  It’s like being on a slow moving pendulum, but it sits and stays for so long on the not so great side, that we damn near beg for it to swing back, or center itself. What happened? Why do the pockets of joy disappear so easily? Are the energies really that powerful? Where is the equilibrium? At what point is enough enough? At what point do we get good and done with the energies, the hot water, the low vibes.

I see beautiful souls posting online, positive thoughts, ideas and gratitude. The people who are trying to share the good, and be the good. I honestly look for them first.  Not the highlight reel people, but the REAL people.  Then, there it is, that latest rant, the politics, and so on.  My favourite button is unfollow.

So, while you watch your tea bag steep, or drink your coffee, or your nourishing lemon honey and hot water or whatever it is you do to start your day, I leave you with this, no matter how slow that pendulum is moving, I do believe that eventually it will all balance out, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now in this moment. That these energies will change, or we will change, because things can only stay as they are for so long before something gives.

Just Sit

The other day as I sat in Galaxy “Not Good Enough”, my body, my mind, and my heart declined into very dark space. What I have learned though is that whenever I am in that dark space it lasts as long as it needs to last for me to learn and grow from the experience.
 
I spent the entire day Sunday between my bed and my couch. I had nothing left to give. I could barely keep my head up. A migraine had consumed me. It hurt so bad that I thought my ears were going to bleed. I get these migraines a handful of times a year. I used to get them more frequently but now they strike when I’ve been pushing or trying to hard, or I haven’t been kind to my body with poor food choices or lack of sleep. Nailed it! I’ve been doing all of that, and more.
When I allowed all of the things I was upset about rise to the surface on Saturday, I didn’t anticipate having to spend the entire next day in bed. I thought that I had processed a good bit Saturday evening and restored my balance. Apparently my body had other plans.
 
You see, what I have learned is that if I don’t pause long enough to really get the meaning or the lesson behind what is happening in my life, my body will force me to slow down. It knows that migraines are my weakness, but through that weakness comes strength, and so, I surrendered.
I surrendered to being disappointed about things. I surrendered to being angry about other things. I surrendered to the excruciating pain in my head. I surrendered to being awake for two hours in the middle of the night in tears because I was just so damn frustrated with myself.
 
I surrendered, and I lived.
 
Sometimes we think that surrender means we’ve given up. I’ve learned that surrender is an empowering stance to have, because we allow what is. We allow whatever expectations we had to fall away, and to see the beauty in the moments we are experiencing right then and there in the moment as they are.
 
People, places and things don’t disappoint us. Our expectations do. My expectations of what I had for myself, are what landed me in Galaxy “Not Good Enough”. You see, I’m resilient, strong, opinionated, independent and I’m a fighter. I get a death grip on something and I will not let go. These traits are some of my strengths but they are also my curse. I must remember the importance of seeking balance.
As I tried to turn things around, I realized that in those moments, I was trying to use positivity to stop the experience I was having. Effectively attempting to stick my head in the sand and ignore. But, what I realized was that thinking positively and trusting that all was well, didn’t mean I needed to ignore or deny the feelings I was having. It meant that I was experiencing my life completely in those moments as they were. It didn’t make me any less Spiritual or struggle-free. It made me authentic in allowing what my heart needed in those moments.
 
Several folks had written and asked how I manage to work in and through the dark space. After years of trying to figure this out, I think I finally have an answer.
 
I thought I’d have some magical top 10 list to provide you with, or a new idea for a book, or some brilliant new meme dedicated to me, because the “cure” was just so awesome. But the answer is this, just sit.
 
The last few days, I needed to be in that dark space. I allowed it because I knew I needed it. So, I sat with it, because sometimes all we need to do, is sit with things. We don’t need to do anything more or anything less.
This likely isn’t what people want to hear, but remember it’s not people that disappoint us it’s the expectation. We need to cry. We need to feel. We need to let ourselves rest. We need to just sit. If you can sit with yourself long enough, and allow all the things to come up to the surface, they will be honoured and released.
 
Just sit.

Sitting In Galaxy “Not Good Enough”

I feel like all I’ve shared lately is how month after month has been so challenging. How things don’t feel smooth. That no matter how hard I pray, write, meditate, ask, journal and hang with my Guides the Elders and the Creator, nothing balances out or brings me peace. I have snippets of moments, but who I am has slowly been realigning, and where I went wasn’t so fun but it is all necessary. I’m deepening into my truth, and so today, I’m sharing a little bit of the dark with you. Layer after layer, I know I will rise, but before I rise, I lay here in the mud.

Here I sit, completely as I am knowing that this is all part of the process. Knowing that I’m one of those people who feels very high highs and very low lows. I decided to share a dark corner of my being with you today, it may repel some and it may draw others in, either way, just follow your heart.
I sit with how I feel everything I have attempted to do has not been “good enough”. Take this morning for example. I woke at 5 as always, then decided to lay there for a moment and breathe in some positive vibes to start my day. I decided to visualize some lovely ideas and pretty scenery, but instead, I got bad vibes, anger and disappointment. I watched a horror movie of everything unfolding and falling apart before me. My business, my relationship, my home, my body, my life. It all crumbled. Talk about an epic fail at visualization, or was it? Maybe everything needs to die, before it can be fully alive again. Somewhere in there I fell asleep again.

When I finally woke again at 8, my stomach was screaming, so as I sat in the bathroom in agony for what feels like the 100th time this week, I thought to myself how much of a dark space I’ve been in. How everything I’m viewing as of late is filled with disappointment, challenges or in ways I’d prefer to be different.

Stuck in that perpetual cycle of “not good enough”, I even thought how just a few hours before I couldn’t even visualize or meditate right! I mean really? Who the hell lays down to visualize and ends up with a horror movie unfolding in their mind? Who does that? Apparently I do. Probably an old life wound still clinging by a talon because of the creations I’ve had of always watching the other shoe drop just as things get good.

I don’t know what all of this is about with me, I’m not going to pretend to draw the beauty out right now either, because sometimes sitting in the dark space is what’s needed for us to learn. If I don’t sit here long enough, then I will lose the lesson, and I’ll have to go through it again. I know I certainly don’t want to experience this again.

Some of the things I have extracted so far, that I will share, is all of the things I’m looking at as not good enough, are an outward expression of how I feel about myself. That I’m not doing enough. I’m not showing up enough, I’m not trying hard enough. I don’t know when I decided to manifest this lesson in all it’s glory, but the truth is “not good enough”, energy has been with me for a very long time. It’s a cord I’ve yet to cut. I’m pretty sure that when I’ve tried, it’s reattached itself, again proving I’m not good enough to cut the cord.

So, since I value people owning their shit, I decided to own mine. I’m not a fan of bullshitting people, and so I’m sure you’ve also seen me retract, shrink and get quiet. Or you’ve seen me share some of my process. I bring myself to you, not-good-enoughness and all, honestly and completely