As I looked into the forest that I am so grateful to live within an arm’s reach of last night, I saw how lush and full she was. The various greens, and the depth that went on into eternity. Every day at least twice, I look at her, and I marvel at her. I wanted to walk into her, and just be there in all her authenticity and all her truth. From where I was standing though, there wasn’t quite a safe entry point, so I’d have go another way.
Similarly, the dark space that I’ve stood in for the last couple weeks, has been authentic. I stood there, marveling in my truth. My soul speak. I knew I had to be in that place and marvel at the beauty. For some it looked dangerous and uncomfortable, but for me, I knew I was safe.
You see, for the first 28 years of my life, I was living in the dark space. Back then, I could have stood at the edge of that forest, walked into it, and never returned. Now? A visit now and again is all I need to learn, to grow and transform some new layer.
The dark space doesn’t scare me, it catches me off guard sometimes, it puts me through energetic hell, and people around me are left looking at me wondering what on earth they should or shouldn’t do. My answer to this is nothing.
There is nothing to fix, because I am not broken.
There is nothing to make better, because honestly it’s all good.
There is nothing to do, because I need to just be.
That is why I let myself go to the dark space. For those first 28 years of my life of living in it, we became very good friends. Now, when it flares up, I know my limits, I know what I need or don’t need, and I know, that it is only temporary.
This morning, as I woke to that cool crisp air, I felt that energetic shift of knowing that my visit to the dark space was over. I knew that standing at the edge of the forest, and looking at her last night was an absolute creation, a mirror, of knowing what was safe, what was next and what was shifting.
Another few layers peeled, soul truths honoured, and heart, oh, so content.
What’s that saying about women being like tea bags.. and putting them in hot water?
Ah yes, thank you google. “A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.” – Eleanor Roosevelt
Lately it feels like there’s a lot of hot water around me. Thank goodness I’m not going through menopause yet, but if it’s as uncomfortable as this, I suspect it’s comparable.
As I watched my tea steep this morning, yes, steep. All three minutes. I had a few moments to stop and breathe. There seems to be a running theme lately, and when I say lately, I think it’s been about a year, where many are commenting on the “energies”. How they are shifting, changing, and intense.
The truth is whatever it is, I’m kind of sick of it. I’m so sick of it, that I’m sick of myself. I’m tired of feeling miserable and not knowing why. I’m tired of feeling low vibe and out of balance. I’m tired of seeing other people suffer and also be out of balance. There goes that empath thing again.
The flip side of course is that there are pockets of joy, like me deciding to bake cookies last night. Or the private message from a friend telling me to keep writing. Or the pictures I found on my phone of our anniversary get away last month. I could give you a year’s worth of pockets of joy, but this looming energy thing has always been there. I feel like we need to pull together, all of us, who feel this way, and decide how to deal with it, how to thrive through it, rather than exist in it.
I don’t believe that these pockets of joy, should slip away so easily. Life is not meant to be so damn difficult. But what I also realize is that I never knew how hard it was to stay high vibe, until I was consciously trying to stay high vibe. It’s bloody exhausting! It’s like being on a slow moving pendulum, but it sits and stays for so long on the not so great side, that we damn near beg for it to swing back, or center itself. What happened? Why do the pockets of joy disappear so easily? Are the energies really that powerful? Where is the equilibrium? At what point is enough enough? At what point do we get good and done with the energies, the hot water, the low vibes.
I see beautiful souls posting online, positive thoughts, ideas and gratitude. The people who are trying to share the good, and be the good. I honestly look for them first. Not the highlight reel people, but the REAL people. Then, there it is, that latest rant, the politics, and so on. My favourite button is unfollow.
So, while you watch your tea bag steep, or drink your coffee, or your nourishing lemon honey and hot water or whatever it is you do to start your day, I leave you with this, no matter how slow that pendulum is moving, I do believe that eventually it will all balance out, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now in this moment. That these energies will change, or we will change, because things can only stay as they are for so long before something gives.
I feel like all I’ve shared lately is how month after month has been so challenging. How things don’t feel smooth. That no matter how hard I pray, write, meditate, ask, journal and hang with my Guides the Elders and the Creator, nothing balances out or brings me peace. I have snippets of moments, but who I am has slowly been realigning, and where I went wasn’t so fun but it is all necessary. I’m deepening into my truth, and so today, I’m sharing a little bit of the dark with you. Layer after layer, I know I will rise, but before I rise, I lay here in the mud.
Here I sit, completely as I am knowing that this is all part of the process. Knowing that I’m one of those people who feels very high highs and very low lows. I decided to share a dark corner of my being with you today, it may repel some and it may draw others in, either way, just follow your heart.
I sit with how I feel everything I have attempted to do has not been “good enough”. Take this morning for example. I woke at 5 as always, then decided to lay there for a moment and breathe in some positive vibes to start my day. I decided to visualize some lovely ideas and pretty scenery, but instead, I got bad vibes, anger and disappointment. I watched a horror movie of everything unfolding and falling apart before me. My business, my relationship, my home, my body, my life. It all crumbled. Talk about an epic fail at visualization, or was it? Maybe everything needs to die, before it can be fully alive again. Somewhere in there I fell asleep again.
When I finally woke again at 8, my stomach was screaming, so as I sat in the bathroom in agony for what feels like the 100th time this week, I thought to myself how much of a dark space I’ve been in. How everything I’m viewing as of late is filled with disappointment, challenges or in ways I’d prefer to be different.
Stuck in that perpetual cycle of “not good enough”, I even thought how just a few hours before I couldn’t even visualize or meditate right! I mean really? Who the hell lays down to visualize and ends up with a horror movie unfolding in their mind? Who does that? Apparently I do. Probably an old life wound still clinging by a talon because of the creations I’ve had of always watching the other shoe drop just as things get good.
I don’t know what all of this is about with me, I’m not going to pretend to draw the beauty out right now either, because sometimes sitting in the dark space is what’s needed for us to learn. If I don’t sit here long enough, then I will lose the lesson, and I’ll have to go through it again. I know I certainly don’t want to experience this again.
Some of the things I have extracted so far, that I will share, is all of the things I’m looking at as not good enough, are an outward expression of how I feel about myself. That I’m not doing enough. I’m not showing up enough, I’m not trying hard enough. I don’t know when I decided to manifest this lesson in all it’s glory, but the truth is “not good enough”, energy has been with me for a very long time. It’s a cord I’ve yet to cut. I’m pretty sure that when I’ve tried, it’s reattached itself, again proving I’m not good enough to cut the cord.
So, since I value people owning their shit, I decided to own mine. I’m not a fan of bullshitting people, and so I’m sure you’ve also seen me retract, shrink and get quiet. Or you’ve seen me share some of my process. I bring myself to you, not-good-enoughness and all, honestly and completely