Labels, They Get us Every Time

I was feeling distant, and disconnected from the space I had just rented. No matter how much prayer, smudging or Reiki I did, it didn’t feel like home. It didn’t make sense. I had people say I’d feel better once I unpacked and got things in order. True, that did help. I was cooking up a storm last night, and thought the scents would bring a certain level of home-ness to the space. Yes, that felt good too. But something just didn’t make sense. I’ve rented other apartments in the past they all had a certain level of greatness to them at those times, and then it hit me this morning. Cooking is creative. Writing is creative. Music is creative. I’m here, to create.
 
Exactly one month ago today, I signed the dotted line on the offer for my condo. Yesterday, I handed over the keys and said good bye. I sat in my living room chair while I was there. It held me close, knowing it would be the last time. I bought that chair over a decade ago, comfy as anything, still in good shape, but I decided to leave it and my couch behind for the new owner. She’s a nice girl, I tell the purple wall. I look around, and I smile and cry at the same time. Be good to her sweet condo home, give her all you gave me and more.
 
Give her peace, serenity, healing. Give her compassion, love and the power to believe. Give her strength, memories and loads of laughter. Go gently on her soul when she needs to cry. Give her beautiful sunrises, safety and room to grow.
Every single emotion I’ve needed to feel since making this decision needed to come up yesterday. As an Intuitive Healer I knew the time would come, and I knew that as soon as I walked in, it was going to be my space to have that experience. No one else could be there, it couldn’t be while I was doing the final cleaning, or shuffling of boxes. It had to happen while I was there, alone, with the walls and rooms that helped me transform another chunk of my life over the last two and a half years. Good by sacred space, my former home.
 
I write this today from my new space. A space that feels light and was energetically confusing, for a minute. I’d call it home, but home holds a different definition for me now, which is a whole other book for another time. This space, I think I may call her, the Studio. One because I pay for it and can call it whatever I want, and two, because the word studio just feels exactly what it is for. I am here to create, to love, to work, to play. I’m designing my life, and therefore, I am an artist. An artist needs a space, a space away from everyone and everything to get in touch with their inner muse. Bam! Now it all makes sense.
I realized when I was looking for an apartment, everything felt off. I couldn’t figure out why. The last day or so, the word studio had been popping up in my mind. Of course after years of remembering I’m supposed to pay attention when certain words or situations continue to pop up, I knew something was coming into my awareness that was going to throat punch me, as ah-hah moments usually do.
 
I wasn’t looking for a place to live, they way people mean when they say “where do you live”. What I was being guided to was a place to create and work. So although this is a home and I live here, the energy is a bit different as it veers just a bit off the mark of a label of home. I live everywhere. I live when I walk down the stairs, and drive my car. I live when I’m shopping or going for a walk. When people ask what my residential address is or where I live, I won’t get into explaining to them why word choice is so important because the timing likely won’t be suitable, but in my heart, I know what I need to know about this space. I know the power of labels and words.
 
Phew. Glad I got that sorted out. Isn’t hindsight great? I don’t know why my guides have to be such little jerks sometimes and give me the run around. Yeah, they’re all laughing in the background right now as I write that because they know I’m a pain in the ass, and they dish it right back.
 
Although my Studio (yeah I’m diggin’ it) has all the necessities and on paper my apartment looks like an apartment, what I see and feel after my discovery is a deep profound energy that I understand and know much differently than the label I was chasing after.
 
This is my Studio. Welcome.

February 14th 2017

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Don’t let Valentine’s Day
Get to you.

If you were lonely yesterday
You might be lonely tomorrow
Because it is your choice
Joy or sorrow

Now don’t whine that I didn’t write a love story for you all for Valentine’s day, with depth and layers for you to consume, instead, go be love, loving and lovable just because you can EVERY SINGLE DAY, not because a calendar or society specifies something on a Calendar.

P.S. All the chocolate is on sale tomorrow.

P.P.S. Not trying to ruin things for people who have expectations today, just trying to keep it real.

P.P.P.S. Did I mention the chocolate is on sale tomorrow?

P.P.P.P.S Get it?

On Things

I’ve been listening to Joshua and Ryan’s (The Minimalists) podcast lately. Following their page and really delving into their works and passion. I watched their documentary, and I highly recommend. This morning they had a post that read, “Buying diamonds is not evidence of everlasting devotion: commitment, trust, understanding—these are indications of devotion.”

I’ve found that I had been on a similar journey as them, and now, things are becoming even clearer for me, as I awaken to a new chapter on this particular leg of my journey. Possessions and material things are becoming quite the hot topic for me. But for now, let’s take a cupid arrow at Valentine’s day and relationships shall we?

Diamonds, vows, proposals, flowers, chocolate. So many years I spent waiting for these things. So many years, lost. Lost in the stuff. Lost in the society driven demands of how one should live, how one should expect, how one should be able to have things to show.

A few years ago, I decided that I was no longer going to be slave to what society demanded of me. I bought my own ring on valentine’s day and I committed to the relationship I had with myself. My favourite part of that day was when a complete stranger approached me as I was going to the jewelry counter at the Bay and decided to compliment my appearance asked me if I was single or not. I said no. At the time I was VERY much single, and had been for a while, yes, by choice. He then asked if I’d been in a relationship with the person for a long time, or what the situation was. I said yes, we’ve been together forever. What he didn’t know, or need to know, was that I was referring to the relationship with myself. I gave him kudos for approaching a stranger and wished him well.

Then, and only then, did I get it. No one was going to complete me, I was already complete. Of course I also didn’t *need* the ring, but I felt like at that time I wanted a visible reminder, or a small token to something to twirl, to notice, to zero in on, when my focus became unclear. Similarly just like someone’s diamond, or wedding ring is a “physical item” of their marriage, it’s the actual behaviours, thoughts and actions that MAKE the relationship. I could lose the ring right this moment, because I know what’s in my soul.

Marriage, diamonds, dress, suit, shoes, show show show. I’m not that woman. A lifetime ago when I thought I wanted those things. I’m so glad I learned that I don’t! I’m grateful and moved that I’m not falling into the trap of “things” anymore.

I’m not knocking anyone who DOES desire or want things. I like certain things too. I’m just getting more specific about the underlying meaning of what the THINGS are to me. I love nice things. Pretty things. But I’m also a recovering compulsive spender, seriously it was my favourite of my addictions.

What I know, is I don’t need things to know where I stand, or my relationship stands. Love is an every day thing. Sure the flowers are pretty, so I sometimes buy them for myself. It isn’t HIS job. If he feels compelled to do so, great, but instead I love the practical helpful gifts instead. Or the gifts that he knows stir my soul and make me tear up, and breathe life into my energetic space because they have deep meaning to me.

At the end of each day, it is our mutual choice to trust, understand, respect and choose one another daily. No ring, flowers, or item will prove or disprove that.

And the end of each day, it is my job, to keep myself focused on what is important, keeping my mind, heart and soul clear and open. It is to me, I commit first, and it is to him I am able to show up already whole, to “be”, and share this journey with.file_000

Be True To You

I had what I thought was a heart-breaking moment the other day, but in fact was soul-awakening.  A Coach I came across and had been following for a while, really blew up the bridge up between us.  We met on a mutually liked page and conversation ensued, which is typical for any of us in a common, industry, if you will. I hate that word industry, but I digress.

The other night, this person was doing a Live feed on what they do, and had a general chat going with the viewers asking questions.  This person started getting really “puffy”.  Not like a cat who gets puffy when angry, but “ego-puffy”.  I think I’m going to trademark that phrase.

They sat talking on their live feed and started knocking people who do Reiki.  My heart skipped a beat for a second, and then I got wide-eyed and almost ego-puffy myself! They then back peddled a bit to say that it’s not about respecting what the person does or doesn’t do, it’s about respecting the person. But in saying this, they laughed and snickered.  I certainly could have been fine with this had they said they didn’t believe in Reiki personally, and that it’s not something that worked for them, but they could see how others have benefited, but they didn’t.  It was callous.  I sat with this for a minute, and immediately tuned this person out and closed the feed.  I won’t waste my time or words on the rest of what was being said, because the 2 minutes I watched was plenty but it made me get even clearer  about things.

How could this person respect me, but not respect my work, my beliefs, my actions.  My work is immersed in every cell of my body.  My intuitive healing and being able to tap into what’s happening with someone doesn’t just disappear because the person I’m standing in front of doesn’t respect it.  But in this moment I felt small. Laughed at. Not good enough. A disappointment.  Then, it turned around. In a brief a moment,  I realized I was grateful that I had never signed up to work with this Coach.  This person is a very logical minded, practical, science based thinker.  This is a draw for me, because I value that in a person, there is nothing inherently wrong with this, and I too, in the past was heavily science-based and practical, and in some situations I still am.  You see, given the circumstances, I select what works for me in the moment, that will bring me the most healing and the greatest learning.  Also, depending on who I am working with at the time, I adapt what medicine I use.

As a little bit more context , a few weeks back this person also insisted when I was trying to write a bio, that it didn’t matter what I thought, what mattered was what everyone else thought.  Now what in the HELL brought that into my energetic field? What matters is what other people think? Oh my. OH MY.

This conversation was the demise of our online brainstorming chats. But I let them continue with what they were saying.  Something in me needed to hear this. They said that since I had my certifications in addictions and counselling, I should tell people that.  That any degrees I had should definitely be mentioned because people like to see that stuff.  Oh, and you say you’re a writer? Who have you written for?  I felt crushed, I didn’t know where to park this medicine that was being offered.  Of course they would have called it something other than medicine, and at the time, I called it offensive, frustrating and insulting.  Which are all medicines.

What I know is this, I thoroughly believe in the magic of the moon, Reiki energy, my ability to write and create from my soul, my ability help people heal based on my intuition, my ability to manifest the life I have now embraced as my path, my ability to bring clarity to people when they are stuck in a fog.  What I also know is that the people I work with have not once asked to see my Degree in Soul-Lead work, or heart-centered focus.  Or my certificate in Life Design – oh, I might have to trademark that phrase too.

My favourite part of this is the big beautiful awesome moment to wrap this all up in a tidy perfect package, with a pretty little bow, was when I gleefully tossed the certificates/labels/pieces of paper in the garbage that showed my education/training/qualifications. I felt no shame or guilt.  I felt empowered.  I felt clear.  I felt, free.    I of course kept my Reiki Certificates, but I didn’t have to.  Because I know who I am, and what I do.  Those of you who know me, also know.

My second favourite part was yesterday.  I saw this person had saved their live feed and posted it with a warning that said if you’re Spiritual / Religious do not watch this video, the first thing I wanted to do was write a lengthy reply on their comments about the difference between the two, but also, to tell them how much THEY had hurt me.  But I didn’t.  I didn’t because I realized that they didn’t actually hurt me, I thought I was hurt, but it was a dose of medicine I needed, to keep myself firmly planted as the person I have become and continue to unearth.

I decided that I needed to delete this person from my friends list and un-follow them, that also felt freeing.

I understand they have a stance, and I have mine.  My stance is this, I don’t need or want anyone in my immediate or even arms length circle who will knock what I do, or what I believe.  If you make fun of the fact that I believe there is a Creator,  that my candle flickers when I do my energy work, that I am most intuitive when the moon is full, that I burn resentments in a cauldron, that I pray every night and day to something I feel in my soul, that I talk to the water in the beautiful creek I’m moving away from, that I cannot wait to love the forest I’m moving to and listen to the trees as they speak to me,  that energy is all around us, that crowded rooms and unhealthy people make me itch, that I pull into parking spots or arrive at places only to turn around and leave because energetically I know I cannot be there, or that I manifested my relationship, my financial situation, my life, then, please, exit my energy field, I’m so nice, I’ll even help you pack your things.

Stay true to who you are my friends.  Stay true to what makes your heart smile and your soul harmonious.  Just like this person I released from my space, who I vehemently disagree with, kudos to them for staying true to themselves, just as I am.